Why I Still Send Gifts

Posted: May 10, 2010 in My Mother

My mother and I have been on a cycle of talking and then not talking for years now.  No need to go into it here, but it’s a pretty predictable pattern.  I’m banking on the birth of my first child [not any time soon] being the start-up of the next silent period.  Even during the “talking” periods, however, it’s still strained and awkward.  That’s part of why I so intensely dislike Mother’s Day.

Even so, I still send gifts.  Even when she’s not talking to me.  I want her to know that I have not forgotten her.  Sending gifts during these times often backfires… Like last time when she kept returning everything and then “yelling” at me on the envelope/box for making her pay the postage.  That made me cry every time, but I kept doing it.

Some would say it’s a waste of money, time, and hurt feelings.  That could be true.  I’ve often reminded God of those points as well.  I’ve told Him on many occasions that all of this is simply unfair, and that I didn’t ask for any of it.  I’ve told Him I’d be perfectly happy to never see or hear from my family ever again.

In response to my honesty, He was silent.  That was my answer.

You see, I’m absolutely terrible at being a witness to my family.  There’s so much unspoken and unresolved junk that I am always on my guard.  I am not the daughter/sister I should be simply because I don’t think they deserve it.  God has shown me that I’m right about that much, but He’s also shown me that my response is sinful.  Giving gifts and making obligatory phone calls is my way of trying to be who I should be, whether they deserve it or not.  I’m still praying that God will change my heart and make me “feel” it more sincerely.

In the meantime, I try desperately to fight back my own, easily justified desires.  That usually means flowers and a phone call on Mother’s Day.  And guess what?  I survived them both.

…but don’t even get me started on the step-mother.

~LG

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Comments
  1. katdish says:

    As different as we are, we are alike in many ways. I’m very stubborn, even with God. Maybe especially with God. But I can never seem to wear Him down like I can others. Oh, duh…because He’s God.

  2. Stacey says:

    Once again Lainie I can relate. I have a very hard relationship with my mother too. All I can hear around Mother’s Day is how great everyones’ mother is…and I can’t relate…and it makes me sad. God is walking me through this sadness. I also pray that God will change my heart and help me to love/forgive her like He has loved and forgiven me. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

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