The Unexpected Crisis

Posted: July 19, 2010 in Handwritten Chronicles
Tags: , , ,

July 17, 2010

Today was the first time I nearly cried because I want to have a child.  I really can’t say why; I was watching the movie “Julie and Julia” when it hit me.  I’m sure there was some line that made my mind go there, but I can’t think of it.  (Although Julia’s own unfulfilled desire to have a child was touched on a couple of times, that wasn’t it.)  Anyway, I immediately tuned out the movie and faced a serious choice: to press pause and sob my heart out in an empty apartment with the full knowledge that I have no business doing so, or to swallow the snot, forbid the escape of tears, focus on the adorably touching stories now going on fully without me, and plan to reapply my deodorant immediately following the conclusion of said stories due to a sudden and emotional rise in body temperature.  I thought this over for probably 17 or 18 seconds, dutifully restraining my tears just in case I ended up opening Door #2, as Julia awaited the arrival of her friend, Avis, at an airport.  (Or train station.  I don’t know which.)  I do know that during those 17 or 18 seconds, I considered that this was a fortunate scene during which to have this distracting crisis; nothing would really be lost as Julia refused to wait for me. I guess I’ve been thinking and praying about my future children so much — it is too much? — that I didn’t realize how much I do love them already.  I see them sometimes, even though I know full well that I don’t know what I’m imagining.  I know that I can’t expect my little daydreams’ details to come true.  (But wouldn’t that be neat if they did?)  Bottom line is that I’m getting impatient.  I have often been accused of wearing “Impatient Pants.”  I’ve also been known to exhibit classic characteristics of a textbook case of the “I Wants.”  Yes, that’s David speaking.  However, he’s not here today to tackle me, make me laugh, and remind me that God has a plan.  In the meantime, I sat watching — or not watching, for 17 or 18 seconds — a girly movie and letting my imagination whisper to me about all these symptoms (emotional, mostly) I’ve been having that could be pointing to a very surprise, completely-against-the-odds-because-we’re-not-even-remotely-trying-to-try pregnancy.  I felt like I should pause the movie and let myself fall apart.  David wouldn’t have to know, so there was no danger of his being stressed out over my trying to add stress to his stress during a stressful time in his life by asking if we could try to talk about trying sooner than we agreed to start trying.  So, I stared at Julia Child — who was actually Meryl Streep, of course — and made my decision.  I swallowed my snot and channeled my husband’s wisdom: It’s gas and PMS, not a subtle sign of a surprise conception.  And you don’t want a baby right now anyway; you’d have nowhere to put it, not to mention all you’d do is gripe about lugging it up and down the stairs.  (We live on the third floor.)  Instead, let’s focus on the things more immediately before us, like finishing the movie, and then figuring out how to get the cat pooping in his box again.  Door #2 for sure; the scene is no longer unimportant to the story.


  1. Helen says:

    You aren’t selfish for wanting a child. You love your husband. He loves you. You want to share that love with a child. That’s natural. I hope you felt better after your cry, Lainie.

  2. katdish says:

    Now why would you watch a chick flick when you have gas and PMS? That’s just a recipe for disaster. Seriously, there’s never really a “good time” to have a child, just times that are better than others. To say having a child is lifechanging would be the understatement of the century. It’s everything you expected and nothing at all what you expected. You can never truly be prepared for it.

  3. macayla says:

    Having the LW when we did was crazy. We barely had enough to get by ourselves, and then we added an acid reflux baby who required $60/week formula. I cried in the formula aisle more than once because all the money I had was for her formula and diapers, and I couldn’t pay an overdue bill again.

    Every pinched penny and bitter tear was worth it.

    There is never a “good” time to have a baby. It’s God’s time that counts, so keep praying and He’ll let you know when to start trying.

  4. sheri says:

    Children rock. There is NOTHING in your life like them. Katdish is right…you can never be fully prepared for it: never prepared for the amazing realization that your heart never completely knew what love was until you held your child in your arms, never prepared for your husband climbing those stairs a million times over to make sure his little angel has a soft blanket (because the 500 you got at your shower weren’t soft enough for that perfect skin), never prepared for the confidence that wells up within you because your heart knows there is no other person alive who could jump in front of a moving train as quickly as you to protect your child.
    Hmmm….. a woman, having a maternal instinct that makes her desire a child to the point of near tears. I know, so not cool for the year 2010….but so natural and normal for all of history. Welcome to being a woman, my friend…you are just as crazy as the rest of us!

  5. Lainie, those scenes made me cry too, even though I am blessed with a child. I know so many women who have struggled with various aspects of childbearing: having them, not having them, wanting them and having a husband who doesn’t, having one and then not being able to have more, the list goes on and on. It’s the most earthshattering thing that can ever happen or not happen to a woman, and I think you have to have a heart of stone not to feel the pain that others have endured over it. So cry away. 😉

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