And Now for Something Completely Unexpected

Posted: July 20, 2011 in Blog Carnival, My Mother, Spiritual Warfare, The Real Me, Writing

You know, unexpected because I don’t write anymore. But, I have lots to say. Do we still do those random, Cheeto Thursdays? It’s not Thursday, I know, and I don’t have a picture of Cheetos… (though I do have a bag of them right next to me — really!) But, I’m still going to write a bunch of unrelated, though actually pretty related, things. For all 0.7 of you who still have me on your Reader. 😀

  1. I miss blogging, but I don’t. I miss having something external — ie: readers — that keeps me accountable. I knew you expected me to write, so I wrote. No one expects it now, so I don’t. At all. (Except in my journal.) I don’t miss blogging, though, because NOT being a slave to my blog reader really has opened up life for me exactly the way I hoped it would when I made the sacrifice. I’ve been able to live more fully and with less stress, because I had time to live and the ability to let my brain fully engage in whatever I was doing. Before, I’d hurry through life while trying to pick up on quick ideas to write about and then get to writing. That’s no way to live, even for a writer.
  2. At the same time, a writer needs to write. Not being able to, or — since it’s now fully summer and I should be honest — not having the discipline or strength of mind to make myself, presents stressors of its own. I feel all bottled up, like I’m missing out on something I should be doing.
  3. I don’t know how to have balance.
  4. I am on the edge of depression, and I really think it’s a spiritual warfare thing. God is good, and He has me reading the Psalms. His Spirit comforts me and reminds me to Whom I need to be listening. While David was probably describing his trials with physical enemies with guns (well, bows and spears or whatever), I read his writings and recognize my spiritual enemies. These spiritual forces are whispering lies to me all the time, and it’s really, really, really hard not to believe them. I have a few reasons:
  5. It is true that money is very tight. It is true that if I could get a job (we just moved to a new city for my husband’s job), then money wouldn’t be so tight. It is true that if I don’t get a job for this upcoming school year, things might be even more tough. But is it true that this is my fault? I teeter between yes and no, but I believe that the enemy is telling me yes, calling me worthless, but the Father is telling me no, calling me His.
  6. It is true that my family needs Jesus. It is true that I, for the most part, have done a horrible job of being Jesus to them. Is it true that there is no hope and I’m a miserable failure who should just give up? I teeter between yes and no, but… you get the picture.
  7. It is true that I am a little lonely. It is true that I miss my friends, and that I want to regularly see people I know and know that they love me and are praying for me. That I want to see their faces and hug their necks, but they are too far away. I feel so alone, and I can’t stand being alone right now… it’s just too lonely and sad, but I can’t do a whole lot about it right now. Is it true that because of this, I am unfriendable and that no one likes me? It seems silly to teeter between yes and no on that one, but I do.
  8. It is true, although it seems odd coming just after #7, that I really need some alone time. My husband’s first day of work is not until August 1. We’re here all day together, and I have a very hard time creating alone time for myself (though DH totally supports me in this — don’t misread) because I can’t seem to focus on anything if anyone’s in the house. I am distracted by things that need to be done and the reality that he’s waiting for me to finish up so that I can go live life. If no one is home, I can ignore those things and focus on the fact that I need the alone time to refuel, which will in turn help me to live life. If people are home, I struggle to have meaningful alone time; it’s like I’m rushing through.  While all of this is true, is it true that wanting alone time is selfish? Shouldn’t I enjoy this time with my husband–this time that we haven’t had because of med school and then residency? Well, I do. I am actually really eating it all up — I adore him, and spending time with him is still my favorite thing, even after nearly a decade together. So, maybe this is selfish (and perhaps a bit psychotic)? Yes…no…maybe…
  9. It is true that my mind is wonky and that I can’t get my life straight and that I’m really not any better at the balancing act than I was when I quit the blog. Does that make me a worthless failure whom God is aggravated at for being so stupid? NO. (But sometimes I’m afraid yes.)
  10. How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD, my God; enlighten my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have overcome him,” lest my adversaries rejoice when I am shaken. But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me. (Psalm 13)
  1. I kept you in the reader, just in case. Perhaps you would need a place to go to and write and I wanted to be here and read it. And I write/blog for the same as your #2, I get all bottled up and need a pressure release of words. But at the same time, I don’t want to be like #1. There’s a fine balance there. One I’m always giving myself permission to walk away and live, life, only coming back to write when the word-tension rises like a geyser. But it’s not a good way of building a “platform”, or plumping up reader numbers, I know. As for your new move, there is that contradiction of wanting to be near people and yet alone time too. I know it well. It’s the isolated corner of just family, routine and chores which has us craving for a get away. And yet, a good friend or two, does help relieve the monotony of daily regimes, so perhaps there’s why we want friends but also alone time. They are rather two different things really. I hope you find some good connections…some Divine appointments. I’ll be thinking of you and praying that Hope shines through the rest.

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond! I think you hit the nail on the head, and it’s really encouraging to have someone identify with some of my neuroses! (No offense intended… Neuroses on my part only because I can’t figure out how to manage them!)

  2. I love everything about this post. I feel like you and me are living the same life right now, I’m just a few short steps ahead of you. Moving sucks. And that place between not spending enough time with your husband and spending too much time is awkward and uncomfortable. And the desperate need to have me friends and missing the presence of old friends and dying for a minute a long can eat you alive. I don’t have a job, school starts in the fall, money is tight, and I have no clue what balance even means or discipline or progress. It’s all swimming in mud. Really thick, really disgusting mud. But Jesus won’t let you drown. And as someone just a few short steps ahead of you in this process, I can say with a little tongue in cheek – this too shall pass. Things will get better. Friends will be made. Time will be found even if you have start with something small like mere moments and work your way up. And channel all this emotion and longing into your writing. Because – in my experience – the Muse LIVES for this stuff. ❤ I'll be reading. 🙂

    • Thank you so much! I’ve been feeling a lot better since I started — two days ago — to have structured writing time! Such a small, obvious thing, but it’s a good step. I finally set up a little writing space, (which is kind of ghetto: a box to set the laptop on, and some pillows to sit on), and I feel like a whole new person! Church is tomorrow, and maybe I’ll remember some names of people I met last week… 🙂

      I’m so excited to know you through the blog world. I will continue to keep up with your writing, too! Thanks for stopping by. (Haha yeah, I totally thought of Veronica Corningstone right there. To be fair, stay classy, too.)

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