Answered Prayers …from my journal

July 27, 2011

My interview with Mr. B——- at the high school went awesome. I can fairly confidently say that it was probably the best interview I’ve ever had — he interviewed me for an hour! I’m so thankful to have had a positive experience. I’ve been praying every time that God grant me a good interview, regardless of the ultimate outcome. I’ve just felt so much pressure to get a job, and so it’s easy to feel like a failure when I’m not getting the job each time. At least if I have a good interview, I can confidently say I gave it my all. I won’t be agonizing over what I could have or should have said — at least not too much! God has been so gracious in giving me four positive interviewing experiences. I’m so grateful! On another note, I realized that I haven’t thought of an enemy for my book. I have to have (a human manifestation of) the enemy! Circumstances aren’t enough… I need real temptations. Unexpected ones. Hmmm. It’s gonna be good! 

~Maranatha

How My OCD is Manifested in Phone Calls

I have to return a call to a principal who wants to schedule an interview. I’m terrified of calling people I don’t know, because I just know I’ll trip over my words and sound stupid. This is a bad thing made even worse when you’re trying to get the man to hire you.

So. This is what I write in a Word document before I call.

May I please speak with Mr. B———?

Hi Mr. B———-, this is Lainie Gallagher returning your call to set up an interview for a social studies position.

I am definitely still interested, and I can be available either Wednesday or Thursday, whichever works better for you. My phone number is ***-***-****. I look forward to hearing from you soon! Thanks; hope you have a great day.

You might notice the breaks and the lack of continuity. This is allowing for multiple possibilities: speaking to a secretary first, speaking directly to him when I’m transferred, or getting voice mail (which really is the ideal situation). No matter what, I’m covered.

I do this with nearly every professional call I have to make, including calling parents when their kids are bad. This is something I’ve always done. Calling is a very last resort if I can’t take care of a situation via email or through someone else making the call for me. Does this make me weird? I submit that this is further evidence that I’m a writer. 🙂

 

~LG

What I Know about Swings

Part of the One Word at a Time blog carnival hosted by Peter Pollock…

Swing low, sweet chariot. 
We actually sang this in show choir. I think we *may* have had one non-white member (can’t remember which year we sang this), and honestly he was really preppy and, well, dainty. The rest of us were upper-middle-class white kids, tryin’ our best to grow some soul. I’d give anything to hear a recording of just 14-year-old little me being as soulful as 14-year-old little me could be. Hahahahaha.

Swingin’ on the front porch.
This is my dream! Too bad we don’t have much of a porch at the house we just purchased! Don’t get me wrong; I loooooooove my new house. It’s bee-yoo-tee-full, and it’s all ours. (Actually, it’s JP Morgan Chase’s. For the next fifteen years, anyway.) As much as I looooooooooove my bee-yoo-tee-full new house, I have a very short list of things I don’t totally love. Not having a porch that’s big enough for a swing is one of them. Never mind that we can’t afford a swing in the first place.

Sa-wing, batta, batta, sa-wing!
I married into a baseball family. My husband probably held his first bat around one week of age, and he kept playing right through college and grad school. (He was lucky to play in grad school, since he was out of eligibility, but it was just a club team, so it didn’t matter.) His daddy played ball. His granddaddy played ball. I don’t know for sure, but I bet the line goes back as far as the existence of baseball does. One of the first things I purchased after our marriage five years ago was a little sign that reads, We interrupt this marriage for baseball season. I hung it in my kitchen, which is where my mother-in-law had a similar sign with the same sentiment. The first time my dear MIL saw it, she gently said, “You do know that’s true, right?” Oh yes. I also know that we interrupt this marriage for reading and writing, so… it evens out. 🙂

Mood swings.
I really couldn’t speak with any real knowledge on this subject. Sorry.

~LG

The Inefficient Writer

There needs to be a new writing contest: who is the slowest, most inefficient writer?

Lainie Gallagher.

I would win, hands down! I have been working on a new story — which I LOVE, by the way — about two really cool people and how God is using them for their good and His glory, even in painful ways. It’s going great, and I’ve been spending time with it every day for three whole days! So far, I have written a sum total of 8 pages. That’s 2,345 words, for those of you who can actually make sense of it when someone tells you how many words there are. Word count means nothing in my brain, so that number seems enormously satisfying to me, like I have really accomplished a lot! Too bad I understand what 8 pages means…

What I think my problem is: I’m an over-editor. I have this problem in my daily life as well. A quick email or comment on Facebook, and I’ll re-read it 100 times before I send it. I will even read it again once it’s sent (at least twice), just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I’m obsessed with making sure my writing is clear and error-free, so I think it takes me 5 times longer than any normal writer just to get a paragraph out of my head the way I want it. Add to this gross grammar obsession the fact that I actually want to produce something that’s pleasing to read, and not merely accurate, and it takes even longer. Sheesh.

Anyway, I’m still quite happy with my story so far. I originally intended it to be a short story, but it might end up being a long short story or a short long story. Or a short novel? I’ve just decided to let the story tell its story, and to be its editor every step of the way.

~LG

“I am a writer. It’s who God made me to be.”

I’m going to (re-)start by writing. I hope to post some of that here, since I already started a new story. 😀

Thanks Bonita.

~LG

And Now for Something Completely Unexpected

You know, unexpected because I don’t write anymore. But, I have lots to say. Do we still do those random, Cheeto Thursdays? It’s not Thursday, I know, and I don’t have a picture of Cheetos… (though I do have a bag of them right next to me — really!) But, I’m still going to write a bunch of unrelated, though actually pretty related, things. For all 0.7 of you who still have me on your Reader. 😀

1. I miss blogging, but I don’t. I miss having something external — ie: readers — that keeps me accountable. I knew you expected me to write, so I wrote. No one expects it now, so I don’t. At all. (Except in my journal.) I don’t miss blogging, though, because NOT being a slave to my blog reader really has opened up life for me exactly the way I hoped it would when I made the sacrifice. I’ve been able to live more fully and with less stress, because I had time to live and the ability to let my brain fully engage in whatever I was doing. Before, I’d hurry through life while trying to pick up on quick ideas to write about and then get to writing. That’s no way to live, even for a writer.
2. At the same time, a writer needs to write. Not being able to, or — since it’s now fully summer and I should be honest — not having the discipline or strength of mind to make myself, presents stressors of its own. I feel all bottled up, like I’m missing out on something I should be doing.
3. I don’t know how to have balance.
4. I am on the edge of depression, and I really think it’s a spiritual warfare thing. God is good, and He has me reading the Psalms. His Spirit comforts me and reminds me to Whom I need to be listening. While David was probably describing his trials with physical enemies with guns (well, bows and spears or whatever), I read his writings and recognize my spiritual enemies. These spiritual forces are whispering lies to me all the time, and it’s really, really, really hard not to believe them. I have a few reasons:
5. It is true that money is very tight. It is true that if I could get a job (we just moved to a new city for my husband’s job), then money wouldn’t be so tight. It is true that if I don’t get a job for this upcoming school year, things might be even more tough. But is it true that this is my fault? I teeter between yes and no, but I believe that the enemy is telling me yes, calling me worthless, but the Father is telling me no, calling me His.
6. It is true that my family needs Jesus. It is true that I, for the most part, have done a horrible job of being Jesus to them. Is it true that there is no hope and I’m a miserable failure who should just give up? I teeter between yes and no, but… you get the picture.
7. It is true that I am a little lonely. It is true that I miss my friends, and that I want to regularly see people I know and know that they love me and are praying for me. That I want to see their faces and hug their necks, but they are too far away. I feel so alone, and I can’t stand being alone right now… it’s just too lonely and sad, but I can’t do a whole lot about it right now. Is it true that because of this, I am unfriendable and that no one likes me? It seems silly to teeter between yes and no on that one, but I do.
8. It is true, although it seems odd coming just after #7, that I really need some alone time. My husband’s first day of work is not until August 1. We’re here all day together, and I have a very hard time creating alone time for myself (though DH totally supports me in this — don’t misread) because I can’t seem to focus on anything if anyone’s in the house. I am distracted by things that need to be done and the reality that he’s waiting for me to finish up so that I can go live life. If no one is home, I can ignore those things and focus on the fact that I need the alone time to refuel, which will in turn help me to live life. If people are home, I struggle to have meaningful alone time; it’s like I’m rushing through.  While all of this is true, is it true that wanting alone time is selfish? Shouldn’t I enjoy this time with my husband–this time that we haven’t had because of med school and then residency? Well, I do. I am actually really eating it all up — I adore him, and spending time with him is still my favorite thing, even after nearly a decade together. So, maybe this is selfish (and perhaps a bit psychotic)? Yes…no…maybe…
9. It is true that my mind is wonky and that I can’t get my life straight and that I’m really not any better at the balancing act than I was when I quit the blog. Does that make me a worthless failure whom God is aggravated at for being so stupid? NO. (But sometimes I’m afraid yes.)
10. How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD, my God; enlighten my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have overcome him,” lest my adversaries rejoice when I am shaken. But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me. (Psalm 13)

~LG

The Obligatory Osama Post, from my journal

May 1, 2011

I’m not really one to watch the news, but today was a historic one, so I made an exception. President Barack Obama announced that American officials attacked a mansion in Pakistan after intelligence revealed that Osama Bin Laden was living there. The Americans killed him, and our military/government is now in possession of his body. Impromptu patriotic demonstrations were springing up, especially just outside the White House, as the president prepared to make the announcement we’d all already heard online and via newscasts. Facebook exploded with cheers and hallelujahs, and my heart sank. Yes, I believe this was a necessary act of justice. No, I do not think it decent or just to rejoice, sing, and dance about it. He has met his Maker; let Him handle it. Let us continue to marvel at God’s mercy, pray for sinners, and shut our mouths lest we be condemned by them. We, too, deserve the death penalty. We have no right to rejoice, and I am honestly ashamed that these images will inevitably be broadcast around the world. How telling that will be of our sinful hearts. Lord God, thank You for justice. Make Your glory known through this — draw people to You. Please forgive us our wicked ways and protect us from retaliation. Please grant wisdom to our leaders and stay our enemy’s hand. Please bring us back to You — we are an unregenerate and self-worshiping nation. Please pour our Your Spirit and grant repentance to America. Teach us to fear You. 

~Maranatha

God took out Osama bin Ladin. And he will take me out. And you. And everyone else. Only different ways. (Deu 32:39; Job 1:21)
~John Piper

*Disclaimer: This was written at midnight with a sleepy head and a grieving heart. Re-writing it here makes me see how my words can be misconstrued. I do completely agree with the earthly justice carried out on Osama. I do understand why many people — especially those who were personally affected by his terrorism — would be satisfied at hearing this news. I do not, however, think that public rejoicing over this is pleasing to God. I just don’t see how it could be, when we all have desperately sick (read: wicked) hearts from birth. We’re all wicked before we’re regenerated. So — no, I don’t think our government’s killing him was wicked or wrong in any way. Rather, I think it was necessary and just. I think hallelujahs and yippees and singing and dancing as he awaits the White Throne Judgment to be cast into hell for all eternity is really inappropriate, however, and that these things just further reveal the brokenness of humanity.

The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?
~Jeremiah 17:9

The foolishness of man ruins his way, and his heart rages against the LORD.
~Proverbs 19:3

I Did It!

With your help, I chose #3, slightly amended:

Her hippie parents had named her Charm, apparently prophesying a lucky future, but calamity courted her from her mother’s womb.

I don’t have much faith in it, I’m sad to say, because I think the prompt set me up for failure. (Oh yeah, I just blamed the prompt!) However, I’m very pleased to have submitted to my very first writing contest ever. 😀

VOTE!

Which opening sentence is your favorite? I’m entering a contest… I’m sure you can discern what the required words are. 🙂

1. Even Calamity Jane can be charming when her luck runs out.
2. One important calamity follows all fairy tale endings, but is rarely told: the princess will discover that Prince Charming was just trying to get lucky.
3. Her hippie parents named her Charm, apparently prophesying a lucky future, but calamity courted her from the womb.
4. Excited first by the charm dangling from her navel, then by the stitched declaration of luck hiding behind her zipper, he courted calamity without restraint.
5. Courting calamity is the good luck charm’s first and most strategically important job.
6. Unaware of the calamity unfolding, he ate his Lucky Charms.
7. Prince Charming’s charm only got him so far; when calamity struck, it was luck that secured his prize.
8. Calamity inevitably befalls all of God’s creatures, but some of His simpler ones take comfort in good luck charms.

I tried for an even ten, but I ran out of ideas. Some of these are already rubbish. No matter… which is your favorite?

~LG

Goodbye, Cruel World!

Blog world, that is. And yes, I mean it.

Here are the facts, because I don’t feel like dressing it all up. (In fact, the very act of posting right now is violating my resolution to quit, so I have to get this over with quickly!)

• I love to write.
• I started a blog about three years ago, and it was decently popular. I was no Jon Acuff, but I was surprised at how many people liked to read my rants, raves, and ridiculosity.
• Too many people started reading it; rather, I should say that the wrong people started reading it. In particular, my family caught wind, and I suddenly couldn’t write honestly. That was one of the main purposes for my blog, so I was crushed and at a total loss.
• As a solution, I created this blog, where all 1.5 of you meet me a couple of times per week.  You may or may not have realized that my name is not Lainie Gallagher.
• I then created a Twitter account and a Facebook account under my pseudonym and set about rebuilding an “online” presence. This is a lot of work, but it has to be done if you actually want readers.
• I got overwhelmed. It’s too much. It was such a commitment to read so many millions upon millions of blogs per day, on top of writing one, that I just couldn’t do it. As a result, I was always playing catch-up, never being able to actually create that online presence, since I was always behind.
• Other things in my life were suffering, too. I was putting “blogging” — which sounds so lame to so many, but really means a lot when you’re an aspiring writer — above other things in my life. On top of just being wrong, it just stressed me out to the max.
• I’ve been writing crap on here, when I actually find the time to write, and I haven’t written anything for my autobiography or my novel in months. I have defeated my original purpose; I wanted a place to write honestly, and I wanted a way to get people to know me as a writer. Um, that’s not happening. This has actually prevented me from accomplishing those goals.

That’s it. That’s my story. I went through Google Reader and reduced my subscriptions by 50%. I’m mostly only going to be reading blogs from people I know personally. I will not (yet?) delete this site, just in case I ever feel like sharing anything with an unknown audience, but don’t expect me! I intend rather to spend my life serving my God, loving my husband, teaching my students, and writing. Really writing. Maybe, at some point, I’ll share some of that real writing here.

Blessings,
LG